So, we had a "prayer experience" at church this week.  It's what I describe as an interactive walk-through environment engaging you and guiding you to talk and listen to God on specific things.  I cried like I haven't cried since last year probably.  It was an aha moment of surrender that caught me off-guard.  Sometimes we need to listen closer to our everyday, in the moment thoughts because if we would, we might tune into thoughts that are attempts to put ourself on our own throne of control or thoughts that just unsuspectingly create separation between us and God. 

I realized at the "Game Change" prayer experience that some thoughts and imaginations I had been casually entertaining about Isaac, our new son-to-be, were doing that very thing of enthroning my desire for control.  Thoughts (little fears) like, “What if Isaac attaches to me when we bring him home, and then I have to walk away and go back to being ‘work-outside-the-home mommy’?  What will that do to this child who has experienced a great loss in his early life already?”  I was reminded of these little, unsuspected thoughts as I got to a point in the prayer experience where a sign on a wall said "How does fear keep you from surrendering your dreams?" The aha, kinda ouch moment ensued.   

But it wasn't until I got to the room that narrated the scene of Abraham and Isaac that I truly broke.  I really do believe that it is not coincidence that our to-be child’s name is the at-birth-given name Isaac.  In the Bible, Abraham and Sarah waited in such anticipation for God to fulfill his promise and their dream for a child.  To relate to that, Jef and I have not awaited the arrival of a child, but have awaited, and sometimes eagerly anticipated, for God to enlarge our territory of parenting.  We are miraculously blessed with a natural born child in our life, and yet, we also have had a great desire and we believe a calling to devote love and parenting to more children. 

In the midst of being reminded of Abraham’s great challenge to sacrifice his son, the one he waited so long to receive and the one he was so confident in as the answer to God’s promise, I was also reminded of how God tested Abraham’s obedience.  Was Abraham going to hold tightly to this gift and this fulfilled dream to the point of giving it more affection and attention than was healthy?  Would Abraham “idolize” the responsibility of parenting and loving this child and would this responsibility and wowful excitement create a cloud that would drown out the rightful attention and affection he would give to God above all else?  Nope.

So then I was faced with the questions, “Have I gotten caught up in idolizing mommyhood? Have I surrendered the desire/need for the enlarged territory of mommyhood and the dream of engaging in it with all my focus, all my time, that sometimes idolized state of ‘full-time, at home mom’?  Can I surrender the desire to control the environment and affection that surrounds my to-be child while he’s at home the first year?” I broke into the realization that I still had a tight grip on a dream and all along I had been dismissing the grip by entertaining those brief, come-and-go thoughts.  (talk about timing, I had just heard an interview the week prior with the creator of Veggie Tales who talked about how our American culture can often get caught up in idolizing dreams!) 

I cried as I realized the disconnect I had with God as I entertained those thoughts.  God’s love says, “I got your back, I have good intended for you.  It’s not always easy, but it’s good.”  My fear of loosening a grip on a dream ultimately equated to my saying, “I gotta watch my own back, I gotta take some reigns of control here.”  I sat in that room crying and reconnecting with God in this space, and then in walked Jef who had been a room or two behind me in the prayer experience.  He sat down next to me and I put my head on his shoulder.  I said to God, “I can surrender my dreams to you.  I can entrust my children to You as their true source of comfort and nurturing. I do.” 

Then I switched gears to, “God, I also give up the attempt to control by entrusting Isaac to the tender care of my hubby.”  (our plan right now is for Jef to stay home with Isaac until he starts kindergarten next year)  And then, just as I spoke those words to God, Jef “tenderly” put his hand on my knee and oh the way that God wooed me in that moment!  I just got done praying about entrusting the delicate care of this new child to my hubby, and then Jef’s sweet affection was clearly evident, right there in that moment in that gentle touch.  Mmmmm good.  God is so good, pouring out luscious gifts of grace on our life!  I often stare at the photo of this beautiful new child He has hand-picked to be our own and I am in awe of the beauty.  Not just the surface beauty of Isaac, but also the beauty of being given yet another gift in my life that is so beyond what I could possibly be entitled to or deserving of.  That is grace, pure and clear.  A gift beyond measure and beyond any effort to deserve it.  So the irony of Isaac is that despite me having many years now of creating a cloud and interference with God by idolizing a dream of enlarged mommy territory, we are on the verge of welcoming a sweet new son into our life and I am in a posture of surrender just like Abraham to say, “God this child is yours and I give you my dream.  I release control to You.  I put You first and look forward to seeing what You have for us in this next season.”  There really is a peace and relief in surrender.  It’s not weak and wimpy, it is empowering.

 
 


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